mysilentfury

So yeah…here’s a new day and a new post…I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted much of anything here, but I’ve been busy as shit trying to move and find a new job and play video games all the while. It’s hard. In fact, it sometimes sucks when you have to do all those things at once.

Anywho, as the title suggests this post will be about one-uppers. I figured we needed some more kind of funny shit up here because we have been, for the most part, writing more serious, political shit.

For those of you who don’t know what a one-upper is, I’ve taken the liberty of looking it up for you at UrbanDictionary.com to explain:

“An annoying person who responds to hearing someone else’s experience or problem by immediately telling a similar story about themselves [or someone else] with a much more fantastic (or terrible) outcome.”

So with that, let’s open this thing up to a probably hypothetical situation involving a one-upper.

You are sitting at the water cooler, smoke pit or wherever it is you take breaks during whatever it is you do all day and you start to relate a story to the people around you…

Jim Bob: Hey man how was your weekend?

You: It fucking sucked ass, man. Me and my girl went to check out the new Friday the 13th movie and there was this jack ass blabbing away to his buddies about what was coming next because he had already seen it.

Jim Bob: Dude that’s fucked up, did you do anything about it?

You: Fuck yeah man. He was sitting right the fuck behind me and I just turned around and told him to shut the fuck up and of course, he listened. The movie still sucked balls though because Hodder wasn’t playing Jason.

One-Upper (who hadn’t been apart of the conversation at all until now): Yeah man, couple years ago I took my girl to see Jason X and this guy in front of me wanted to start running his mouth about the movie. I told that bitch five damn times to keep his mouth shut, but did he listen? Fuck no. After a while we started throwing popcorn at him and shit for the rest of the movie. When the movie was over me and some of the other dudes that were there, dudes that I didn’t know mind you, whipped his fucking ass right there in the theater. It was so awesome seeing people coming together like that for a good cause.

You and Jim Bob stand there unable to say anything but “sweet” knowing all the while that the one-upper’s story is totally bullshit and that Jason X had come out more than a few years before and that it had been somehow better as a movie because the great Kane Hodder played Jason.

I have one question about all of this and it’s a simple one. Why? Why do you one-upping assholes feel the need to top every story that drifts through your one-upping ears? Do you really need to feel that important? Did your mommy not give you enough attention when you were young or something? I mean come the fuck on…you don’t know, haven’t done, or know someone who has done, in simple terms, everything. Everyone around you knows you are full of so much shit that the whites of your eyes are turning brown. No one ever says anything because they just want to see what you have done next and want to joke about it behind your back…seriously.

Now for all of you non-one-uppers, I have devised a couple of ways to counter your friendly neighborhood one-upper. It’s a two tier idea that, when applied correctly, can almost always stop one of these asshole from saying what will turn out to be tomorrow’s gossip.

The first way to counter a one-upper is to one-up his story followed by “with my balls on fire”. Sure they won’t believe a word of it but at least you have one-upped the one upper. He/She will not tell you as much because they know you will just call them out on their own bullshit story. They’ll just laugh it off and get back to not one-upping people.

Example:

You have just finished telling the above story and have let the one-upper one-up you. You follow it by saying something like “Yeah well when Friday the 13th part 9 came out there was a riot in the theater and I beat the fuck out of like 5 ushers who were trying to break it up…with my balls on fire”

This has actually worked for me. The one-upper, God bless him, had no idea that it was done specifically for him. He thought I was just trying to be funny.

The second way is to one-up a one-upper before he has a chance to one-up you. This is done by telling your story with so many embellishments that there is no fucking way anyone could ever top it…the friends you are telling the story to must know of this in advance or you will almost always look like a fucktard.

Example from the above story:

… He was sitting right the fuck behind me and I turned around and told him to shut the fuck up. Of course this asshole wanted to talk shit. That’s when me and my girl jumped back to his row and literally beat him half to death with his own fucking twizzlers he had, it later came out, brought in from home. We were almost arrested because of it because everyone in theater claimed he started the fight and that we were the victims. He was also banned from ever going to the theater again when they found out he hadn’t bought his twizzlers from them.

After using the “balls on fire” method, you shouldn’t have to resort to this one. They usually get a fucking clue after just a couple of one-ups. I have included this one because there is always some dolt who doesn’t know that you’re on to him.

These are just two of the ways one can counter a one-upper. There are probably more than this, but these are what have worked for me in the past. Let us know if you have any stories about one-uppers and what you did to shut them the fuck up. Also, feel free to name names…

-That is all…